Why All-or-Nothing Thinking Doesn’t Work (and What to Do Instead)
September has a way of stirring things up. The holidays are over, routines are starting again, and suddenly there’s pressure to “get back on track.”
Maybe you feel it too — the urge to make a big plan. To clear out the cupboards, start exercising every day, cut out sugar, or create the perfect new morning routine. It feels like the right time for a fresh start.
For a moment, it’s exciting. You feel powerful, motivated, even a little unstoppable.
But then reality creeps in. A busy week at work, the kids off schedule, one slip with food or exercise — and suddenly it feels like the whole plan has fallen apart. Cue the guilt, the shame, and the promise to start over again on Monday.
Sound familiar? That’s the cycle of all-or-nothing thinking.
The Pendulum of All-or-Nothing
All-or-nothing thinking is seductive because it promises control and certainty. If I just stick to the plan, everything will fall into place, right?
But it’s really like a pendulum: the harder we swing one way (total control, strict rules, perfection), the harder it swings back the other way (giving up, “I’m going to do whatever I like”, guilt).
Maybe you’ve experienced it like this:
You start a new diet and feel on top of the world — until one slice of cake convinces you you’ve failed.
You commit to working out every day, but one busy week means you stop completely.
You design the “perfect” morning routine, but the first time the kids wake early or work runs over, it falls apart.
Sound familiar?
The cycle repeats: a burst of motivation, a stumble, shame and guilt, and then… back to square one.
Why It Doesn’t Work (The Science)
The truth is, this isn’t about willpower. It’s about how our brains and nervous systems are wired.
🧠 Behavioural science shows sudden, extreme change rarely sticks.
BJ Fogg, author of Tiny Habits, explains that our brains are wired to resist big, dramatic shifts. Change works best when it’s small, easy, and tied into existing routines.
💡 Motivation is fleeting.
James Clear, in Atomic Habits, points out that motivation spikes when we start something new — but it’s systems and consistency that sustain us. All-or-nothing thinking relies on motivation alone, which burns out quickly.
⚡ Our nervous systems don’t thrive under pressure.
When we pile on rigid expectations, the body interprets it as stress. Stress hormones rise, self-control decreases, and the likelihood of “slipping” increases. Then, instead of doing less, we do nothing.
So when you find yourself “falling off the wagon,” it’s not a lack of willpower.
It’s biology.
What Works Instead
The opposite of all-or-nothing isn’t doing nothing. It’s building change in a way that’s kind, flexible, and sustainable.
Here’s what research — and lived experience — shows actually works:
Small, achievable habits. Two minutes of stretching, a glass of water, a moment of stillness. They seem tiny, but they stack up into real change.
Flexibility. Life happens. Kids get sick, work gets messy, energy dips. Your practices need to bend with you, not break the moment things get difficult.
Self-reflection. Instead of charging forward, pause and ask: What do I really need right now?
Acceptance. A slip-up isn’t the end — it’s human. Meeting yourself with kindness makes it easier to carry on.
A Simple Rule of Thumb
Alongside these principles, I like to keep things simple with one quick rule of thumb: Is my plan small? And is it centred?
Small means realistic and doable, not overwhelming. For example, promising yourself a 5-minute walk at lunch instead of committing to run 5k three times a week. Or choosing to add one extra glass of water in the morning instead of overhauling your whole diet overnight. Small habits don’t feel dramatic, but they’re the ones that actually last.
Centred means paying attention to where the action is coming from inside you. Is your plan driven by guilt, shame, or anxiety — like “I’ve let myself go, I need to get back on track,” or “I should be fitter by now”? Or does it come from a more compassionate, curious, grounded place — like “I want to feel calmer in the mornings, so I’ll give myself five minutes of stillness”?
When a habit is both small and centred, it’s far more likely to feel supportive rather than punishing — and that’s what makes it stick.
Try This Today
The next time you catch yourself designing a “big new plan,” pause and ask yourself:
👉 Is this small?
👉 Is this centred?
If you can say yes to both, you’re already on the right track.
This simple check-in can stop you from swinging on the all-or-nothing pendulum — and gently guide you towards habits that are flexible, compassionate, and truly sustainable.
Note: If you find yourself saying “no” to either of these questions, don’t worry — that’s completely normal. These patterns are often deeply ingrained and well-rehearsed, and they are certainly nothing to feel bad about.
Shifting them is absolutely possible. As a first step, simply get curious about the resistance. Are there certain words, images, memories, or even other people’s voices that come up around it? Gaining clarity here is often the beginning of real change — the first step towards allowing things to shift.
The truth is, there isn’t a quick solution when it comes to deeper resistance. Often it’s a sign that we need to go beneath the surface and explore what’s really driving our behaviour patterns — the fears, beliefs, or unprocessed experiences that sit underneath.
But pausing long enough to get curious is powerful. It opens the door to awareness, and awareness is always the first step toward deeper, transformational change.
Want Some Support?
If you’d like guidance in breaking free from the all-or-nothing cycle, here are three ways we can work together this month:
✨ Free 30-minute consultation – a chance to get clarity, feel heard, and explore what kind of support might be best for you (with zero pressure).
✨ One-off 1:1 session – a focused deep-dive to help you shift patterns, get unstuck, and feel more resourced.
✨ Longer-term 1:1 coaching – personalised support to create lasting transformation in your wellbeing and your life.